water's not diamonds

2010-02-24T12:24:00.000-08:00

as of 24 february 2010, this blog is retired. thank you for reading. unfortunately, i can only maintain so many blogs! if you would like to continue to follow me, please visit Stitch Crazy, Things that Make You Say "Hmmm...", or The Tea Time Review.

see you around the blogging world!

2010-01-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

2009-11-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

2009-10-26T17:37:00.001-07:00

great idea!

unfortunately...

2009-10-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

Type your first name preceded by the word "unfortunately" into Google and see what you get.

Unfortunately, Lisa fell off the wagon and began using drugs.

Unfortunately, Lisa is shot and she dies in MacGyver's arms. (this one's for my mom :D)

Unfortunately, Lisa died of a questionable drug overdose before she escaped.

Unfortunately, Lisa is going to threaten the Southeast Coast.

Unfortunately, Lisa gets home and begs them to return to Springfield.

Unfortunately, Lisa and I have too much in common.

Unfortunately, Lisa & Ken didn't make it to Business After Hours this month so the pot grows!

Unfortunately Lisa arrived home just at the wrong moment and caught them in bed together.

Unfortunately, Lisa inherited stubby fingers from her father.

Unfortunately, Lisa was not there, nor did she ever own a hard-hat.

Unfortunately, Lisa and I just don’t know what it’s like to be a single man.

2009-10-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

one of my students from last summer killed another student today.

i'm not processing this information very well; i want to delete that sentence because i don't want it to be real. i had high hopes for that kid, and now it's all gone, and i don't even know why.

2009-10-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

my cousin got married on saturday, and i was going to post some pictures; however, i am having issues with iphoto '09, so once i figure out what's wrong, expect an update!

2009-09-29T15:50:00.001-07:00

HowManyOfMe.com

There are

people with my name in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

2009-09-18T14:43:00.001-07:00

i decided to change my profile name. i'm a tudor history junkie, so i am going back to the name i used to use, which is...

2009-09-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

this one's for the history nerds. i found this very short article to be quite interesting, as there has been fierce debate over whether or not any portraits of kathryn howard actually exist.

Portrait of King Henry VIII’s fifth wife Catherine Howard is found

HEVER A painting thought to be of Henry VIII’s daughter Mary has been identified as only the second known portrait of Catherine Howard, Henry’s fifth queen, who was beheaded in the Tower of London.

The painting was unveiled at Hever Castle, Kent, childhood home of Anne Boleyn, Henry’s second wife, after David Starkey, the Tudor historian, linked the sitter’s jewels and costume to documentary evidence. It has been bought by the Guthrie family, the castle’s owners, who have a collection of Tudor portraits second only to the National Portrait Gallery, Dr Starkey said.

2009-07-06T23:28:00.001-07:00

we found out on thursday that cinder has cancer. the vet gave her 3 more months. we've had her since 1995- one month before i went to boarding school. i just can't imagine a house without binner butt.

2009-07-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

2009-06-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

since i've been gone for a month, i know that i have lots of blog catching up to do!

cats are weird & expensive

i ordered something & it came in this box. i have a bunch of empty boxes, but it seems the cats prefer this one. the above pictures were taken in may; the below picture was taken after we came home in june. it's not like either of them fits in it very well. cats are weird.

there is a bowl that is clearly not under the dishwasher. cats are weird.

both of my cats had to have dental surgery- hence, cats are expensive! but check out those shiny, clean teeth!

see the pink spot on Stuart?

that picture was taken on 01 may 2009 & he still has that spot! it's fluorescent pink! where in the world did it come from & how come it isn't going away?

tesol pub crawl

on the 9th of may, we painted the town drunk!

no more school

here is where i spent most of the last two years of my life: lassen hall at sac state.

no longer! i graduated in may, so i lost my graduate assistant position, but I'M DONE!!!! some classmates & i went out to el patron on the last day of school to celebrate the end of the semester- or the end of grad school in my case.

i can't even begin to describe the joy that i feel, knowing that i will NEVER EVER EVER EVER have to go back to school EVER again! also, i got my Master's degree! w00t!

a night out at opa! opa!

opa! opa! was celebrating their third (?) anniversary, so Z. invited me to go out with her & M. it was lots of fun & afterwards we stopped by sweetwater for a few drinks. it was a nice reprieve from end-of-the-semester projects & exams.

graduation

me

me & my mom- the hood in back means you're a Master of something- in my case, TESOL.

me & my dad

my aunt P., me, & my mom

flowers from my mom

my gift from my aunt- a target gift card, a little kitty bag she made, and she made a little bag to match my purse, which she also made & my mom gave to me for my birthday last year!

for my graduation, my mom got me a bunch of random stuff that i wanted, and my dad gave me an underwater camera & a trip to utila island in honduras! but honduras will have to wait for another blog or this one will be neverending!

lady's gone missing

while i was in honduras, i got an email from my mom that one of our cats, lady, was missing. that was at the end of may. it is now the end of june, and there is still no sign of her.

my cousin's bridal shower

two of my cousins are getting married this year- K. in october & M. in november. K.'s bridal shower was a week after i got back from honduras, so i was significantly healthier & able to attend. if i end up with an overseas job, i may not be able to attend her wedding (or M.'s either), so i at least wanted to be at the bridal shower. i got her some lingerie from frederick's of hollywood.

the big cake is store bought, but my aunt P. (not the same aunt P. who came to graduation) made the little ones from scratch!

my aunt P. also decorated the table with tiny bottles of patrón, and the maid of honor decorated litttle tubes of bubbles.

here's the cute couple at christmas (alliteration unintended):

my friend's baby shower

i came back to sac to attend my friend M.'s baby shower. last semester, three of my coworkers got pregnant, so i stopped drinking the water. :P anyway, i got to see some *former* classmates & of course, M. it was grerat fun. we played baby pictionary & ate delicious food; i also got to meet her husband for the first time. all in all, totally worth the four hour trip north!

my new plant & coffee maker

i found a teapot pot at michael's while i was home. isn't it awesome?! the plant is a...geranium. i had to go outside to check. all i could think of was a gardenia, but i knew that wasn't right.

here it is at my house, wilting. i won't be surprised if it dies. i can't seem to keep plants alive!

i also got a cute, little squirrel to go on it because i really like squirrels.

my mom bought me an espresso maker too! YAY! now i can make myself irish cream lattes without having to spend $4 at java city or starbucks.

the device next to the espresso maker is actually a coffee maker, but my mom had the brilliant idea to use it to make tea, so now it is a tea maker. now if i could just convince her that i really need an iced tea maker!

random pet pictures

no trip home is complete without a bunch of pet pictures, especially when you have eight pets.

scooter & monty sleeping

rocky trying to hide under the pillow & blanket

i shut the door on him, then opened it & he still sat there like it's the most normal thing to hang out in the dryer!

scooter, asleep on top of my mom's suv.

cinder giving me the evil eye

scooter hanging out in the cat carrier

sid, rocky & stuart in a tense peace agreement

lizzie in my mom's clean laundry

scooter sleeping

for some reason, i have no pictures of elsie from this trip. probably because she hates my cats & so she rarely came out.

that's it for now. i still need to upload my pictures from honduras, but once i do, i'll be sure to post them.

happy monday!

2009-06-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

99 Things

I saw this here and thought I'd join in on the fun.
Here are the rules: Bold the things you’ve done and post on your blog!

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland (been to Disney World)

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

2009-04-30T15:53:00.001-07:00

Picnic Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-04-23T20:18:00.001-07:00

i passed my comprehensive exam. i will be awarded my master's in teaching english language on 22 may 2009. YAY! i kind of thought i wasn't smart enough to get a master's...guess i was wrong :D here's what i got frm my program director:

Hi Lisa,

The committee met today and the decision was unanimous: you passed all three questions. Congratulations on completing the MA in TESOL.

J---

also, i am taking an aromatherapy class on sunday, which i am really looking forward to, provided that my allergies don't ruin it for me. :)

2009-04-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

an adorable clip giveaway at grosgrain:

Born 2 Impress GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-04-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

i bought myself two graduation presents that i really wanted. both were limited edition; one had already been discontinued.

the first is this beautiful scarf from edun. it has a poem by rainer maria rilke written on it & it is soft & beautiful.

the second is a limited edition figurine of jessica galbreth's virgo/patient. mine is number 0530 out of 2400.

naturally, as soon as i finished taking the pictures, i knocked the figurine off of the table, broke off her right arm, and chipped her fingers. i still love her.

i apologize for the blurriness. it's difficult for me to get good pictures at night in my apartment. once i trust myself to touch her again, i'll get some non-blurry daytime pictures.

i have been hunting for the capricorn & the pisces figurines- both discontinued as well- to no avail. i can't find them anywhere. well, sometimes, such is life.

i got my article for my master's comprehensive exam today. my exam officially starts on friday, april 17, 2009, at 9:00A and officially ends on monday, april 20, 2009, at 2:00P. so i won't be posting for a while.

wish me luck!

2009-04-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

i got some bad news last week. it's a long story that i may give in detail later but it comes down to the fact that my cat stuart has fiv (feline immunodeficiency virus). basically, it's kitty hiv. i know how he got it and who he got it from, but it was really a shock and i am still swinging through a pendulum of emotions. fiv cats are supposed to be indoor cats so that they don't spread the virus, so i took him on his first walk today.

i basically just followed him around while he ate grass. then we sat in the sun for a bit. it was nice & relaxing, though a bit warm.

both cats are having dental surgery on may 1st. and i am taking my comprehensive exam for my master's degree from april 17th to the 20th.

quite the stressful few weeks, no?

2009-03-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

i was browsing in -ology on friday when i came across this:

an angelite sphere! it is so difficult to find angelite pieces that are not flat and are bigger than 4 inches. i was so excited to see this piece on display! even better, it was on sale.

my lucky day for sure!

2009-03-24T14:55:00.000-07:00

so my students are writing essays on emotional intelligence, so i took an emotional intelligence test at queendom. my results?

"According to your self-report answers, your emotional intelligence is slightly below average. People who score like you do feel that their ability to understand and deal with their own emotions and those of others is just barely acceptable. Emotionally intelligent people have an easy time overcoming difficulties in their lives and they are generally able to control their moods. It’s easy for them to motivate themselves to overcome obstacles and reach their goals. In addition, they find social interactions to be quite easy and fulfilling, for several reasons. They are comfortable allowing themselves to get close with others, and feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to establish intimacy. They also report having an easy time offering support to others; likely due to an empathetic nature and a solid ability to offer advice. Perhaps by working on your problem areas, you can become more confident in dealing with your own emotions and those of others."

no kidding- i could've told you that! people who have above average emotional intelligence don't need anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds, and since i do, that means i have less than ideal emotional intelligence.

total rocket science.

2009-03-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

so i'm at the airport, 6:30am, getting coffee. i'm headed to chicago for st. patrick's day weekend. in my bleary state, i look over at someone doctoring their coffee & think that person looks familar. then i think hey! thatls the mayor, kevin johnson. he's a former basketball player with sacramento kings. two thoughts pop into my head: he's not very tall for a basketball player & i wonder where he's going. then it occurs to me that with a little web surfing, i could find out where he's headed (it's not chicago!)- what a weird life to lead, one where everyone knows your business. i'm never running for public office!

2009-03-10T23:36:00.000-07:00

So my cat snuck out while I was smoking. I only know this because my other cat was staring at the door like she was waiting for something. I was planning to go to bed before midnight. So I looked around the house & lo & behold, no Stuart. I went outside & called for him. I shook the treat bag. Iheard dogs barking & thought it might scare him home. The I heard sirens. Which might also scare him home. But no.

As I type this ihear him jumping up on the patio. In fact he is now sitting at the sliding door, waiting to be let back in. Sometimes I think he just likes to mess with me! Usually if they don't come in after I call them, I leave them out for the night. They hang out on the porch because they are afraid of everything & the porch backs up to the parking lot, where people & cars make noises. They're safe on the porch, so I don't worry about them. However the temps will most likely drop to freezing tonight, so I couldn't just leave him out there. Thank goodness he came back sp soon. They've both been known to come scratching at the door at 4 a.m. muy mal, gatos!

2009-03-10T23:08:00.001-07:00

Grosgrain: Paper Crane Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-03-09T13:30:00.001-07:00

Baggu Grosgrain Guest GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-03-09T01:41:00.000-07:00

I've always been the oversleeper, but tonight I can't fall asleep. It's 1:42am; I've taken my meds- for all intents & purposes I should be dead to the world atm. I mean, after 30mgs of lexapro, 7.5mgs of buspar, & 1.25mgs of klonopin, I dhould be out like a light.

What do undersleepers do all night? I've tried tv, reading, attempting sleep, petting the cats. Nothing is working! One thing I have forgotten to try is my theta brainwave music. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll try losing my mind, you know, just to kill the time.

2009-03-07T12:40:00.001-08:00

Cinnamon Sticks GUEST GROSGRAIN GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-03-04T21:10:00.001-08:00

Sunday Laundry Shirt Dress GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-03-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

another grosgrain giveaway:

Born 2 Impress GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

i love their stuff. it's just so gorgeous!

2009-02-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

Anthropolification Boyer Cream Cardi GIVEAWAY!!!! GIVEAWAY!!!!

Puss Ann Guest GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-02-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

I used to live in Saudi Arabia, so I find articles about it of particular interest.

Major reshuffle in Saudi Arabia
(from the BBC: 14:06 GMT, Saturday, 14 February 2009)

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has sacked two powerful religious officials in a wide ranging shake-up of the cabinet and other government posts.

One of the dismissed men was the head of the controversial religious police force. The other was the country's most senior judge.

The king also appointed the country's first-ever female minister and replaced the head of the central bank.

Correspondents say such government reshuffles are rare in Saudi Arabia.

King Abdullah, who came to power in 2005, has for a long time had the reputation of a reformer - and the latest appointments have the makings of one of the biggest shake-ups in Saudi public life for many years.

The BBC's Arab affairs analyst Bob Trevelyan says the pace of change has been slow in the four years of the king's reign.

Despite the shake-up, our correspondent says the kingdom remains an absolute monarchy and real political change is not on the agenda.

Feared organisation

The sacked head judge, Sheikh Salih Ibn al-Luhaydan, caused controversy last September when he said it was permissible to kill the owners of satellite TV channels which broadcast immoral programmes.

Sheikh Salih Ibn al-Luhaydan said some "evil" entertainment programmes aired by the channels promoted debauchery.

Our correspondent says the sheikh may well be paying the price for airing his opinions.

The shake-up also affected the feared religious police organisation, known as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.

Sheikh Ibrahim al-Ghaith has lost his job as head of the commssion, which enforces Saudi Arabia's conservative brand of Islam, Wahhabism.

The commission has wide powers to search for alcohol and drugs, to crack down on prostitution and ensure shops are closed during prayer times.

But our correspondent says the religious police have been widely criticised recently over allegations of brutality - the kind of comments that could never have been made publicly a few years ago.

Meanwhile, Norah al-Faiz now holds the most senior official position a woman has held in Saudi Arabia. She has been appointed to the newly-created post of deputy education minister for women's affairs.

(original story here)

2009-02-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

this made me laugh, so i thought i'd pass along the giggles:

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the MOST romantic first line... but the LEAST romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

2009-02-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

Stimulus Payment Explained

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.

This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A
format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it
on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are
the only businesses still in the US.

2009-02-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

The Conservatory Overcoat GIVEAWAY!!!!

this coat is super cute!

2009-02-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

2009-02-08T11:04:00.001-08:00

2009-02-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

100 things i love
in no particular order

1. the sound of the rain
2. my pets
3. my friends
4. my parents
5. beading
6. cross stitch
7. crystals
8. meditation
9. yoga
10. moro bars
11. water fountains
12. snail mail
13. ice cream
14. silence
15. reading
16. a piping hot, perfectly brewed cup of tea
17. sleep
18. cheese
19. the feeling of life being suspended when on an airplane
20. the beauty of flowers
21. animals
22. the internet
23. language
24. tudor & stuart history
25. lexapro
26. buspar
27. books
28. coloring
29. lists
30. the simpsons
31. stinging nettle
32. being able to see the stars at night
33. pajamas
34. delicious food
35. vacation
36. art
37. klonopin
38. birth control
39. learning
40. essential oils
41. cultures
42. candles
43. buddha statues
44. inspector gadget
45. netflix
46. www.surfthechannel.com
47. brainwave music
48. chainz 2
49. warcraft
50. the dragon cave
51. etymology
52. grocery shopping
53. teaching
54. post secret
55. clue
56. clue the movie
57. petting my pets
58. nintendo
59. ireland
60. shwarmas from khobar
61. zatar
62. the ability to shop online
63. desert design
64. saudi hummus
65. flourite
66. instant messaging
67. carnelian
68. ncis
69. mini crystal animal statues
70. water crackers
71. papasan chairs
72. papasan chair footrests
73. my g1
74. goldfish
75. shisha shack
76. my coffeemaker that i use to make tea
77. selenite
78. miss sarajevo
79. museums
80. hampton court
81. sunsets
82. estonia
83. the daily show with jon stewart
84. pushing daisies
85. persian gulf
86. collecting coins
87. dhahran
88. prague
89. saudi sandals
90. eclipses
91. hot showers
92. garlic
93. botswana agate
94. kindness
95. scuba diving
96. not having a boss lording over me all day
97. himalayas
98. the colbert report
99. angelite
100. blogger

2009-02-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

i've been back from florida for a few weeks now. i had a fabulous time! i spent nearly all of my time with A. (duh), A.M. (when she was home from school), and A.1, A.'s friend.

we went to the east coast, and i got to stick my feet in the atlantic ocean for the first time. we also went to the original ron jon because A.1 is a surfing fanatic. then we drove down the coast and back across florida to the gulf side. one night we went to a drum circle, which was fun until it got cold & we left. we also watched the wall one night, which was a trip. totally engrossing movie.

we went to a bar one night, which was loud & fun & drama-free until C.'s girlfriend J. got us all thrown out cuz she was entirely too drunk. well, i suppose we could have stayed, but i'm pretty sure we were all burnt. but it was fun dancing with my friends & being ridiculous. good times; good times.

we had a tattoo night at one point. A. got hers on her back; it is a moon & ankh, hence a lunarankh:

A.1 got some hibiscuses behind her ear:

A.2 got a horseshoe behind her ear:

i got a lotus with ohm on it & namaste underneath it:

we went to a shop called witch & knight- or something similar- and as we were leaving, there were deer on the road. i thought that was really exciting. i never see deer out here.

my mom & i have this running joke about tacky plastic flamingos. i've always said that she needs one in her front yard because it's such a yuppy neighborhood. i told this to A. who decided to get my mom a cheap pink flamingo. A. hates flamingos, so she thought it was a great idea. in the pic, you can see my cat S. running after me. he was SOOOOOO happy to see me when i returned home; he's been following me around for weeks!

i bought a lot of books and crystals while i was there. i also got a hanging banner of the chakra symbols, so i've been doing a bit of redecorating. i also got the coolest sets of tarot & oracle cards- i'm in love! they're gorgeous.

the orange wall hanging & the zebra are not from florida, but i finally got around to putting them up, so i've decided to show them off. my dad brought them both back from africa for me.

that's all for now. i'm going to work on my cross stitch project, candy shop.

2009-01-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

i have to dump someone. UGH. i HATE doing it, and i hardly even know E. we've known each other for roughly two months, been out a dozen or so times. we met close to winter break, so i have been at my parents' for christmas, and now i am in florida visiting a dear friend. this is my last semester of college, and this is most likely the last time that i will have a month long winter break. plus airplane tickets were ridiculously cheap. so i took advantage.

a few days ago, E. texts me that we don't communicate enough & don't spend enough time together & he doesn't know if i want to get serious or not. at this point? no. i'm taking it slowly. anyway, he goes on to say that maybe we aren't on the same page & shouldn't see each other anymore. i text back & say if that's what you want, fine. then he texts back to say that he takes it all back & he really misses me. at this point, i am thoroughly fed up. make up your mind! also, he had ample opportunity to tell me this before i left for florida or he could have waited until i returned to california. anyway, i text back that he is confusing me, and he says that he took it all back & can't he have a second chance & i mean the world to him.

does this sould like high school or what? first of all, we don't know each other that well, so this is taking things way too fast for my liking. i explained that to him. plus this back & forth let's-break-up-let's-not thing is too much, too soon. i am not looking for drama in a relationship, and if it's appearing this soon, then this is not the relationship for me.

but it still doesn't make hurting someone's feelings any easier.

2009-01-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

i just got an email from the coordinator of my graduate program: my comprehensive exam will take place from 17-20 april 2009. now it's really real, not just some looming prospect. i think i'm suffering from a bit of pre-test traumatic stress syndrome. if i fail this test, i don't get my MA. scary, scary thought.

2009-01-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

USING ONLY ONE WORD

Not as easy as you might think. Now copy or forward, change the answers to
suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be
sure to send back to the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2.Your significant other? non-existent
3.Your hair? coffee
4. Your mother? lonely
5.Your father? same
6.Your favorite thing? reading
7. Your dream last night? saudi
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. What Room you are in? living
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? alive
13. Where were you last night? road
14.Something that you aren't? motivated
15. Muffins? fattening
16. Wish list item? books!!
17. Where you grew up? arabia
8. Last thing you did? smoke
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Your TV on? no
21. Your pets? far
22. Friends? love
23. Your life? stressful
24. Your mood? melancholy
25. Missing someone? mom
26. Your car? old
27. Something you're not wearing? underwear
28. Your favorite store? book
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? night
34. Last time you cried? leaving
35. Who will resend this? unknown
A) Four places that I go to over and over: work, sacramento, bakersfield, school
B)Biggest complaint? sadness
C) My favorite place to eat: mom's
D Four places you'd rather be? nowhere, mom's, dad's, home
E) Four people I think will respond? ? ? ? ?
F) Four TV shows I watch all the time? ncis, simpsons, sanctuary, pushing daisies

2009-01-08T11:24:00.001-08:00

in two & a half hours, i will be on a plane, headed to florida- hooray! i'm getting really excited, like a kid before christmas. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

2009-01-06T23:01:00.001-08:00

on thursday, i am off to florida to see A. i am really excited about this- the economy tanked & so did ticket prices! since i will be gone for 12 days, my mom, who doesn't live in the same city as me, is cat-sitting for me. just one problem: i've been away from my mom's house for 1/2 a day & i really miss my cats! it's so lonely here without them. i think i might have lost my mind in the college years without them. seriously.

2008-12-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

my uncle sent this to me. he usually send me tasteless political jokes, so this was a pleasant change.

merry christmas!

2008-12-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite things to do when i'm on blogger is to go to one of my blogs & then click the next blog button. i come across such an interesting array of people & their thoughts. although for some reason, i'm sent to a lot of non-english blogs, mostly in spanish. i don't mind since i can speak/read baby spanish. it's actually quite interesting. i also check out the blogs of note, but i'm rather partial to the randomness of the next blog button.

be forewarned, however: this can make some serious time vanish!

2008-12-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

in a further attempt to delay working on my project, i was sitting here thinking about what i want to eat. i thought of muffins with melted butter- mmmm!- but i don't have any. then it occurred to me that i have scone mix- YUM! what could possibly go better with tea?! i'm really excited to make them; this has certainly brightened my day (it's cold & rainy here)!

2008-12-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

i'm in the homestretch!

i have one last project this semester, which is due on wednesday but i have to present it tomorrow, which essentially means that i have to finish it today. i have virtually no motivation to do this (can we say burnout?!), so i am going to make a cup of tea, find my glasses, and get started. i've already been playing around on the internet for half an hour. bad me! if you're interested (unlikely!), i'm researching how teachers use display questions in the esl conversation classroom. very exciting!

2008-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

we have entered the second to the last week of classes. i have two projects to finish & at this point in the semester, i feel as though class attendance is a waste of time. i haven't been to italian class in a week & a half. i can literally learn it from the book. i sit & ask myself what difference my italian grade will make in my life. the answer? none. but my other two classes- those grades will make a difference. so why didn't i go to my sla theory class last night? mostly i just couldn't face it. i didn't want to be there, to have to talk, to smile & pretend that i feel happy right now. i have to go to work in an hour, which i really don't want to do but i have to. it's only for two hours though, which is nice but also seems a bit wasteful. next semester i'm not working this much. i don't mean the two hours a day ;D i told them no more than 10 hours per week & i am working 16. i need those hours to study. ggrrr! i'm in such a terrible mood. i guess i should go get ready for work.

2008-11-26T08:32:00.000-08:00

i am headed to my mom's house for thanksgiving today. the cats & i are driving what normally takes four hours- hopefully it won't take too much longer. i hope everyone has a lovely holiday & doesn't spend *too* much money at black friday sales *wink,wink*

2008-11-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

one of my dearest friends was in town this past week, so i neglected to check my mail for quite a while. when i did, however, look what was inside!

it's the pif that i won on donna's blog. isn't it gorgeous?! i love it! i can't say enough nice things about it! i have it hanging in my kitchen where i will see it every morning.

thanks again, donna!!!!!

2008-11-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

it's pif time! i picked three names out of a cup- a dark one, so i couldn't see- and the winners are...

jane!

rebecca!! (whose profile is private, so i cannot notify her :( contact me asap!)

robin!!!

congratulations! now i just need your snail mail addresses so i can send you something! my email is floppy.angel@gmail.com

i look forward to stitching your surprises!

PIF Contest!

2008-11-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

i got the greatest news today! i won a PIF (pay it forward) drawing! hooray! it will be my first ever cross stitch gift! im so excited, in fact, that every sentence i've written so far has ended in an exclamation point! thank you, donna!

how it works

If you would like to receive something handmade by me within the next 365 days, please comment on this post to say that you are interested & tell me a little something about yourself. I will then draw three names from a hat on Friday, November 14, 2008.

If you are one of the chosen three, please post the same offer on your blog in return- hence the name Pay It Forward! If you don't have a blogger account, please email me at floppy.angel@gmail.com to enter.

This PIF is open to everyone. Good luck!

2008-11-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

i love taking pictures of my cats- they are so adorable! i thought i'd share some of my pictures.

lizzie:

stuart:

2008-11-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

i was just reading my post from last saturday in which i was discussing the beautiful weather. this saturday? not so much. all it has done is rain!

i feel like i'm living back in ireland! still, that didn't stop me from taking pictures and, at one point, turning on the a/c. it was hot inside! i switched it off when i realized that i could just open the sliding door & let nature do the work. i'm a super genius in the making!

the cats are less than thrilled that it's raining & are acting strangely. stuart will brave it for a bit, but lizzie is having none of it!

2008-11-01T18:24:00.001-07:00

i'm almost finished with my daffodil pincushion. i just need to sew it up & sew on the yellow cord.

2008-10-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

it is such a lovely day today. the sun is shining, the trees are radiantly green, the air is cool...it is typically autumn, although on the slightly warmer side, and i love it. it seems so much calmer than summer, happier than winter, and quieter than spring. autumn is just so peaceful that i can't help but to enjoy it.

2008-10-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

motivation has always been a problem for me. i should start on my midterm, but i just don't want to. it's such a beautiful, quiet, autumn day; the sun is shining, the air is cool- why would i want to do homework today?! i could take a walk by the river, do some stitching outside, sip a cup of tea & enjoy the sunshine.

i am really looking forward to the days when i can enjoy the lovely weekends.

2008-10-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

i feel bad about ditching class today.

i hadn't intended to, but i came home from work, took a little nap, and slept right on through class. sometimes it's difficult to get up & do the daily grind. i'm always so busy during the week,, & it's completely draining. by wednesday, i just want to crawl into bed & sleep for three days. so it's not like i never ditch class. (shhhh! don't tell.) but i still feel bad because i had intended to go to class.

2008-10-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

it started because of bronchitis. i was sick for a month, so i stayed home for four weekends in a row. today marks the...seventh?...complete weekend that i have stayed home and not socialized.

it's not like i don't want to go out. i just don't have the energy that being with my friends requires. they require a lot of energy because they tend to think of themselves & what they want rather than coming to a group/pair consensus. not always, of course, and not all of them, but enough that i cannot summon up the motivation to call anyone. it's frustrating to have friends who, despite their best intentions, do not understand or do not want to listen or do not want to listen because they don't understand.

friends are supposed to be a support system in times of need. i feel like i am building on a foundation without support. it's not the easiest thing in the world, but it is possible. i just need to hold onto the idea that it is possible.

2008-10-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

here is my mom's new cat scooter:

he was a stray in her neighborhood & no one ever came looking for him, so now he is hers!

2008-10-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

i worked on my cat biscornu last weekend. i officially have 1/3 of it done! not counting the sewing, of course.

i spent sunday working on my small tudor rose, which is nearly finished.

as i was backstitching, i heard my male cat- stuart- attacking my female cat- lizzie- so i jumped up, ran into the other room, & yelled at him. i came back into the living room to discover that my one & only strand of backstitching thread was nowhere to be found. *sigh*

on tuesday, i went to jo ann's & bought some dark green thread. last night i was contemplating finishing it when, to my absolute horror, i realized that i didn't know where it was. i looked up & down, left & right- no rose. finally it dawned on me that i probably left it in the car when i went to buy thread. it had fallen between the center console & the passenger seat. *sigh of relief!*

if i can muster up enough energy after class (release time: 9:30pm), i will finish it tonight. here is what i have thus far:

the cause of my stitching anxiety over the week, stuart:

2008-10-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

just a quick update since some of the photos from my last post are out of date now.

here is as far as i've gotten on the heart of flowers:

i thought i had frogged the word, but apparently i have not. but i plan to.

i worked on my kitty biscornu last night. i'm really pleased with how it's turning out. i'm using E310 thread to outline the cats; i love the look, but i hate working with the thread. i might have to invest in thread heaven like shelley suggested.

i'm off for now to continue stitching the biscornu. i should have a movie waiting from netflix- the last king of scotland, i think- so i'm going to watch that & hope for a severe lack of froggy visits!

2008-10-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

i finally finished backstitching my shamrocks. it went from

to

can you see the difference?!

so that's two of four tiny cards down. i just have to finish the rose & thistle ones. i bought a frame for them today- the perfect size for only $5!

i also finished my tudor rose keep.

i need to work on my finishing skills, but i'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.

i also started a heart of flowers for my friend, L.A.

i was going to do the words in the center with one strand of light purple & one strand of purple light effects, but i don't like how it looks. i've already frogged "Un" & i plan to do it as the pattern calls for- one strand of the light purple & one strand of the dark purple.

i've made some progress on the hang in there kitty.

and finally, i've started a kitty biscornu. in a moment of genius, i messed up the first line of stitches & had to frog it. however, i have made a little progress. i think this will be really cute when it's done!

hopefully my motivation stays high over the weekend so that i can get a lot of stitching done. happy weekend!

2008-09-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

i got two new dragons from the cave. :D the green one is the newest release, while the blue one is the newest old release. my previous batch of eggs all died while i was on vacation, so i'm starting a new batch. please click!

2008-09-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

i've been putting in time regularly on my kitty project. so far, i haven't made any mistakes that i haven't frogged, so it's turning out pretty well. i've actually done more work than this picture shows, but my camera battery died, so it's recharging as i type.

i'm quite pleased with it thus far, & i really hope my mom likes it. i can't decide if i should just send it to her by mail or keep it 'til christmas. any recommendations? i'm leaning towards mail because i want to make her something to put in the living room that she painted lemon drop at my behest! :D

i've been working on some new jewelry as well, but as i said, the camera battery has gone kaput, so i will save that for my next blog.

since i was blabbing about my new tattoo, i thought i would post some pictures of my other tattoos:

the blue on the lilies is new; i got it done when i got the butterfly. the lilies were originally white, but white fades, so i had some color added to them.

2008-09-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

i have made some progress on my frog project. when i last posted about the frogs, i was here:

and now i have completed the second frog: see no evil.

i started the hear no evil frog, but i started him on the wrong line, so i had to frog it & restart. so far i have finished his right leg.

i hope to have him finished by the end of next week. after i finish him, i have to backstitch all three frogs & then it will be complete.

2008-09-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

i got a new tattoo while i was in florida. A. has the same one on the outside of her right ankle. mine is on my left foot.

it's still healing, but the color isn't that nice anyway. i'll probably have to get it touched up in the near future. despite that, i'm really pleased with it. now i'll think of A. whenever i look at my foot!

2008-09-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

i started a new site at multiply. i don't plan to blog there; i created it as a place to archive my hobbies. many of my online crafting pals are on there, so i thought it was a good way to stay in the circle without burdening them with my blog! :D

here is the link: lisa's hobby site

2008-09-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

sobriety girl writes that sobriety is investing in your own sanity. i rather agree with her. alcohol makes some people nuttier than hell- poor decision-making, irrational behavior, a self-absorbed view of life.

why would we want to put ourselves into such a state? really, i want to know why i want to put myself into that state. i'm fine during the week when i have to go to work & go to class & study. it's in my free time- read: the weekend- that i find myself thinking 'one drink couldn't hurt.' but one drink does hurt. the time lost to being drunk, the time lost to hangovers. i don't want to let my life pass me by because i was too blitzed to notice it.

some people can control how much they drink in one sitting. i can't, so i've decided to pass on alcohol altogether. i quit smoking cold turkey- no problem. but this no drinking thing seems to elude me. not because i have to drink but because so much of our culture is based around drinking that i've found myself partaking just because it's there.

at the end of the day, i feel insecure about myself and uncertain about life when i drink. that's no way for me to spend my life. i'm content with my decision- it's an investment in sanity, and lord knows i need some of that!

2008-09-09T14:59:00.000-07:00

i've still been feeling sick, so i went back to the doctor where i was promptly informed that i have bronchitis. lucky me! :D

2008-08-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

look at my flag counter! someone from italy visited my blog. :D i wonder which link they used to get here...? maybe that person will come back & tell me in a comment- wishful thinking, no? :P

i messed up my scissor keep that i started stitching before i went to florida. i stitched the wrong color in the center, so i had to rip it out & start that part over again. that made me really frustrated, so i started working on a needle case. i'll update with pics later; my mom is visiting for the long weekend, so i haven't much time for stitching or blogging right now. she's in drying her hair, so i've squeezed in a few seconds of blogging.

happy labor day & long weekend to the americans!

2008-08-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

since i am sick & cannot do anything productive, i've decided to blog. i am a member of tudor talk on yahoo! groups, and one of the other members posted about a replica of mary i's wedding dress. this replica was done by a professional, whose name & website escape me for the moment. if i recall correctly, the replica was based off of a portrait of mary i that was done for her wedding. i love tudor gowns; i'm sure that they were extremely uncomfortable, but they look gorgeous.

i've always wanted a tudor dress to wear to a renaissance faire, but alas, i cannot yet afford one. i came across this beautiful gown when i was searching for tudor gowns online. i love the black & white contrast as well as the intricate details of the dress.

but look at those sleeves! ack! i can't stand them- they are SO large! they drive me to write sentence after sentence with exclamation points!

what's a woman to do?! i also saw this gorgeous necklace that would look stunning with the dress, but i would prefer it in silver.

someday, when i'm wealthy...... :D

2008-08-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

i'm back in california, but now i'm sick. i have the chills & the sweats, my ears are plugged up, my throat hurts, i'm all congested, & i'm coughing up green stuff. yay me. why do i always get sick when i come home from vacation?

2008-08-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

i love stores that sell rocks & minerals, often referred to as crystals. i think they're gorgeous & i'm amazed at what nature can produce (this goes for flora & fauna as well). besides, my dad is a geologist, so i grew up around this stuff. i've found one store in sacramento, mt. shasta naturals, that sells crystals. i love that store, but i wish they had a bigger selection of polished products. i also shop for beads at the bead fetish, which sells natural stones. i love them, too. they're very nice & helpful.

do you have a favorite bead and/or crystal shop? what makes it special for you?

2008-08-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

i was supposed to leave florida at 1715 this afternoon, but due to tropical storm fay, i'm leaving tomorrow at 1715. i get an extra day with A. & i can brag that i survived my first tropical storm. it's actually headed towards the east coast of florida, but it still counts!

tonight A. & i are getting a tattoo. i love it; i think it's gorgeous. i also get to see her husband S. teach his martial arts class. tomorrow we are going to sarasota to have lunch at thai spice & to stop in at elysian fields, my favorite store on the planet. seriously. if i were to rob a store, elysian fields would be it! after leaving all of my money in sarasota, we are driving to tampa to get me to the airport.

i'm glad i stayed the extra day. i have business to take care of at home, but considering that the last time i saw A. was in 2000, i think it can wait. (i do miss my cats terribly, though.)

2008-08-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

i'm in venice, florida, waiting out tropical storm fay & watching zoboomafoo with seven year old A.M. she's adorable & i love her! anyway, this episode is about kangaroos, and i'm finding it immensely interesting. kangaroos can use their tails as third legs and jump over ten feet. when the males fight over a female (how barbaric! :P), they kick each other with both feet at the same time, so for a second, it looks like they're floating in the air.

when my cousins & i were little, my mom would read zoo books to us; we loved them. those were such good books that i wish i still had them. knowing my mom, they're probably in a box somewhere in her house!

2008-08-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

here are some other pieces that i have made:

my mom bought me these crystal beads.

this set is rhodonite & onyx.

this necklace is citrine. i may take it apart & create something else because it is thismuch too tight.

this one is simply agate. the small blue beads are blue lace agate.

2008-08-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i'm blogging, i feel like i am talking to myself. i suppose i am, in a manner of speaking. i took up blogging in january, but with school & work, i didn't do it very often. i was depressed, anxious, & all around miserable. then a few things happened that changed my life.

first, i got a dui. i know, i know. BAD. but from the silver lining perspective, i have seriously cut down my drinking. i have to go to court-ordered classes, which are actually quite useful; at mine, they teach harm reduction rather than abstinence. well, they recommend abstinence for those who need it, but for those who don't or just aren't ready to quit, they recommend harm reduction, which says basically that you should engage in behaviors that won't be harmful to you, i.e. if you drink, don't drive.

secondly, i finally got in to see the school psychiatrist, who changed my medications, and now i feel pretty damn good most of the time. this has also had a huge impact on how much i drink; if i'm relatively happy, there is no need to self-medicate.

so all of this is leading up to the fact that i have had to take up new hobbies to keep myself busy. one of these has been blogging, another cross stitching. i have also taken up jewelry making; however, if you think i'm bad at cross stitch, you should see my jewelry!

here are some pics of what i've done so far:

this is the first thing that i made; it's meditation beads made of quartz & iolite.

this is the first anklet i've made. it is carnelian, pyrite, and agate, all of which are supposed to be attuned to my astrological sign, virgo.

this set i'm really fond of. it is made of peridot, my birthstone, & peach & purple crystal beads. the charm says "monkey." i think it turned out really well, though you can't really tell in the pictures.

here is a necklace, made of sugilite & sodalite, with buddha. i have quite a few buddhas in my house; i find them calming.

i began this necklace (peridot & moonstone) with the intention of putting some small peridot drops at the bottom of the charm. however, it turns out that the holes in the drops are too small for the rings to fir through, so now i have to figure something else out.

i chose these two stones because one is my birthstone and the other is the favorite stone of my best friend. i would make something with both of our birthstones, but hers is garnet, so anything i make would look like a christmas decoration.

finally (for now), here is a carnelian & citrine bracelet that i made last week. i've been attracted to citrine lately, so i have been trying to incorporate it into my jewelry.

2008-08-07T00:14:00.001-07:00

in five more days, i will be in florida, spending time with A., whom i haven't seen in eight years. i am so excited!!!

i can't wait to kick back, relax, and spend time with her.

2008-08-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here, perusing postsecret, and feeling rather panicky. upset stomach, butterflies, nausea. what do i have to feel anxious about? nothing.

then it dawns on me that i forgot to take my meds this morning. no wonder i hated leaving the house before they were prescribed to me. i feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down on me.

2008-07-30T20:13:00.001-07:00

some good news.

after seeing a psychiatrist, i am now on a combination of medications (30 mg lexapro; 45 mg buspar) that....wait for it.....wait......actually WORKS! there are the usual detrimental sexual side effects, but they aren't as bad- for me- as they were with such other drugs as celexa, zoloft, paxil, and prozac. they can make me a little sleepy during the day, but i'll definitely take that over depression & anxiety. i'm very excited about this!

i started dating someone new- D. we met on eharmony. he's very sweet, but right now he has bronchitis, so i haven't been seeing much of him. sadness. he also has a daughter, H., which is a bit weird because i always swore that i would never date someone with children. in reality, it's not the hell that i imagined it to be. sure, some of our dates have been cancelled because of his daughter, but i can deal with that. it's teaching me patience & understanding, both of which i could use more. it's actually very endearing that he he loves & takes such good care of H. they recently adopted an orange kitten called F. So adorable & very talkative! i'm cautious but elated over this relationship.

next month, i'm going to florida to visit a dear friend, A., whom i haven't seen since i was her maid of honor eight years ago. naturally, i'm thrilled! i'm going to be there for a week, so we've decided to take a three day cruise to the bahamas. i've never been on a cruise, & i've never been to the bahamas, so it will be an entirely new experience for me. i get to catch up with A. & meet her daughter, A.M., whom i've only known as a fetus in her mom's tummy. we may go scuba diving, but A. also has anxiety issues & the doctor has her on xanax; panic attacks + scuba diving = bad news bears, so at the very least, we will be snorkeling. in the bahamas. w00t!

2008-07-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted for some months- obviously. things have been going on, but i just haven't felt like writing about them. i still don't.

2008-05-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

my therapist said that because i express my sadness in a low-key manner, she didn't really pick up on the intensity of the pain. i do that with everyone so that they won't worry about me. i mean, life is hard enough to deal with without me stirring the pot. she said that it would probably be a bigger compliment to those i love if i let them in instead of keeping them out.

the only problem is that i don't trust them with my emotions.

2008-05-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

i've spent the last half of the semester feeling as though writing a paper would bring about the end of the world. well, my world anyway. i just cannot kick this depression, and it's driving me mad. i've been seeing my therapist, which makes me feel better but only until i get home on friday afternoons. then i feel like crap again. it is so very frustrating to know that you could be so very successful if only you didn't have to do battle with your own brain. for all the medicine & therapy in the world, i can't seem to figure out what works.

the semester ends in a couple of weeks, and i plan to begin meditating then. my therapist recommended calming your anxious mind by dr. jeffrey brantley. i've finished reading the first part of the book, which discusses, textbook-like, the mind and the effects that meditation can have on it. it was an interesting read, and i am looking forward to part two. hopefully it will help me calm my mind.

2008-04-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

i was going to blog yesterday about how the coffee guy, paddy, noticed my sadness but my friends did not.

then my friend texted me to make sure that i was feeling okay.

sometimes my friends surprise me.

2008-04-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

there come many points in one's life when she realizes that it is time to move on. this is one of those times. i am tired of grad school. the mere thought of going back tomorrow makes me want to crawl back into bed for at least the next two months. a person should only have to suffer through so many years of grad school. i am closing in on year three.

it's killing me. i'm well aware that i am unhappy with my life, but for the moment, i cannot change it. i have three classes to complete before i get my degree. i cannot give up now. four years & $40,000 in debt needs something to show for it! despite that, my body is showing physical symptoms of fatigue & stress. it has been for years.

mental illness + stress = bad news bears

2008-04-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

it's odd.

from 2003- 2004, i dated a boy named D. for half of that year, we lived together. for the other half of the year, we lived on opposite sides of the planet.

i broke up with him. over the past year, i have sent him three or four emails.

he has now responded, wanting to know why.

i cannot think of anything adequate to say. words fail me.

2008-01-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

the new semester starts in two days. it will definitely be easier than last semester, but i am still not looking forward to it. by the time i graduate, i will have spent four years in grad school- enough to drive anyone mad. at the end i will have learned this: i am not a highly motivated overachiever, and i do not find an overbearing amount of study to be at all useful.

i am looking forward to teaching the reading class again. i had a fantastic time last semester, thanks to my awesome students. this semester, we are expecting more international students, which will be interesting since native english speakers, generation 1.5 students (children of immigrants who usually speak a language other than english at home), and international students all have different and specific needs.

to clarify, i am not teaching these students how to read. they already know that; how else would they have gotten into college? californian education is hurting but not that badly! i am teaching them reading & vocabulary acquisition strategies. we use them unconsciously, so they are fairly difficult to teach. because reading is centered in the mind, there is very little one can look at to determine the rate of progress. at the end of the semester, i was left with an odd feeling that i did nothing to help my students. this is apparently quite a common feeling for reading teachers, but it was slightly disconcerting nonetheless.

i'm taking german this semester, to which i am looking forward. i love learning languages, and i wish i lived somewhere multilingual. but that is a moot point for now. i've never taken german before. i really enjoy seeing how languages are connected to one another through etymology, and since german & english are from the same language branch, it should be fun!

2008-01-14T23:56:00.000-08:00

i took a step towards well-being today and made a counseling appointment. as usual, i don't see how they can help me stop feeling such immense sadness about life, the universe, and everything. but i've changed some since i was a teenager, and i thought that maybe this time will be different. maybe.

2008-01-13T17:47:00.000-08:00

every time i start to start a blog, i stop. what am i to say? i have spent so many years saying so little in order to convince so many people that i am finally sane that i find myself unable to express that which is so central to my life. sanity is just a matter of the proper chemicals taking care of the brain- a matter of chance & luck?

i fear that i will be judged, that like many people in my life, the people in cyberspace will have little to no understanding of my struggles, my life, my viewpoints.

we see society as so modern & progressive, but really? i think not. we judge people based on all sorts of "values." what is so appealing about alienating others? who knows how we would react to the situations in other peoples' lives had we been born in their shoes? we may think that we can predict our reactions, but that's merely fantasy. if we were to have been raised in another's shoes, we would not make the same decisions that we make in this life. our worldviews would be decidedly different, yet next to no one is willing to recognize that.

why is it that people think that their way is the only way? i have my own views about how to live a good life- whether or not they morph into actual actions- but i have come to those viewpoints based on my life experiences, which are not the result of the typical american life. what works for me may work for others, but there are billions of people on the planet that it would not work for. sometimes it doesn't even work for me. people have their own life paths. the views that i hold are for me & me alone. i do not presume to know THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. is it really that difficult to let go & let people make their own way through the world?